Happy Halloween

It's tough. It's tough being a mature student in a world of 18 year olds. It's tough being a student and not making enough to pay rent and food on your pay cheques. It's tough trying to find balance between work, school and life.

Of course I'm being a bit melodramatic because I did have 2 double margaritas at dinner. Tequila makes me reflect. Most people it makes heave until their innards threaten to expel out of their bodies but for me tequila just makes me reflective.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful to be in school. There have been a few moments where I have thought" what the hell am I doing?" but I have those about everything and at this point in my life have to consider them normal. I'm certainly not the best photographer at school but I know I have improved by leaps and bounds from the beginning of September.

I'm also grateful that I do have a wonderful family and wonderful friends.

Yesterday I was supposed to be a Madonna. I always said that I would go to Madonna if she ever came to the west coast of Canada. The boys got tickets months ago and I said I would go. But I had to reconsider. Between school and money how was I going to have the time and money to go. So I told the boys to sell my tickets.

Painful.

So, last night at 10:13 my phone rang. It was Stephen. I picked up and heard a bunch of sounds. Stephen didn't say anything. It took me a while to realize it but it was the concert I was hearing and more specifically, it was La Isle Bonita playing. My favourite Madonna song. Jason and Stephen knew I wanted to go so they did the next best thing. I couldn't really hear what was going on but that didn't matter.

In the end nothing really matters but the people in your life and the direction your life is going.

S.

Learning Curve

It's been a month and a half of school. I knew I would be learning photography until it was coming out my ears. I just had no idea that I would be learning about myself as I went along.

I have a tendency to second guess myself. I have had it all my life. It is the reason I get lost so easily. I go the correct direction, stop, figure I'm wrong and head out in the wrong direction. After wandering, I usually figure out that I was correct in the first place.

And yes, I get lost everywhere. It's a curse.

So, I second guessed myself on a test. I knew the answer, thought about it, changed it and low and behold, when I got the test back the first thing I went with was the correct answer. Again, this happens a lot. That's me at school and I accept it.

But here is something new I learned about my second guessing...

We had an assignment in Composition and Design, to create a self portrait using colour to showcase ourselves. I decided on red because it is my favourite colour. Yes, I am that literal. I also choose it because in our culture it stands for competitiveness, strength and boldness. Some of these things I am, and some I wish to be. And as some say, fake it til you make it, right?

I did three different shoots. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. After a few "nice" pictures, I would get bored and experiment with expressions. I shot loads of stuff, most crap but a few pictures worked out.

I was immediately drawn to one picture. It is angry. Yet, it is also a bit intimate. It was a bit too close to me to show the world. But, I kept going back to it.

In the end I choose another picture to hand in. I went safe. I received my in class critique, learned a few things.

Then I went to the teacher for my one on one critique. She looked at the one I had handed in and then she looked at my images. And she went immediately to that angry image. We talked about it and I realized that that image is more "me" than the one I handed in. Inside I am angry. I'm angry about the world, and people's apathy. I'm usually angry with myself about something or other, although this is lessening with each year. The teacher wanted to know why I went with safe when I had taken an image that had the definite grab factor???

I swore when I went to Japan "safe Shari" would go into the closet as it were. It took almost the full time I was away to get closer to the person I wanted to be, but closer I did get. I got bolder. I put myself out there more. I grew.

So, it's hard to go into school and hear about how I am being too safe and should go with my gut on things. It feels a tad like I regressed. No more. I will not be safe. I will go for it. I will never second guess myself.

Onwards and upwards.


S.

PhotoClub

S.

Human Problems

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I had a pretty shitty weekend to be frank. Yes, it's Thanksgiving and we are supposed to reflect on all the lovely things that have happened to us this weekend. OK. So I'll start with that. Here's my list of thanks:

1. deciding to go back to school.
2. deciding that school is in fact, the shit.
3. realizing that being 28 and being back in school is actually a good thing and thank gawd I'm not 18 anymore.
4. finding a job easily that sort of fits in with school.
5. my awesome friends and family.
6. my sister lending me a cat for awhile.
7. Canada.
8. that friends made abroad don't have to end when you stop being abroad.
9. soy products.
10. my mentor group that keeps me on track.
11. chocolate.

Well, you get the picture.

But let me describe my shitty weekend.

It all started by heading north to my mom's house for Thanksgiving. My sister abandoned me for her "has to work all weekend" boyfriend and leaves me all alone. All alone in a house of 14. Fourteen people I want to smack that is. Honestly, "kiss my butt" is not intelligent dinner conversation for 50 year olds. Neither is sex innuendo's when offspring are around. Granted the offspring are in their 20's and 30's but still.... EW.

So, the mom of this clan is a little rude. You know the type. The ones who start conversations with "I don't mean to be rude but..." and then say the most horrible shit. Or just start with the shit and end it with "I'm just kidding" five minutes later. Old people just figure they can get away with their lack of manners, when in fact they have never had manners and are now just blaming it on their age. This lady told my mom she looks 60 (she's 48 and does not look past her age) and then proceeds with the just kidding. Is it rude to smack an old lady??? Even if she is in her 80's?

Said lady then proceeded to get drunk. Or maybe she was drunk already. All I have to say about the whole thing is... 20 disgracefully drunk, kinda funny, 80 and disgracefully drunk, pretty pathetic. 80 and puking in the bathroom. That just puts a topper on the Thanksgiving.

Did I mention that the power went out?

The next day, after trying to sleep off my memories of the night, my mom brought me home. The cat was whining at the door. At first I thought she was hungry. But maybe she was whining about the huge puddle of water on my kitchen floor. The power had knocked out my fridge and the power bar had failed to kick in when the power resumed. Thus, flood. What a mess.

But I suppose it could all be worse. When I was walking home from a friend's house today I saw two raccoons. One raccoon in one tree just looked at me with its beady eyes. The other raccoon high-tailed it up the tree. Or maybe the term should be highed up the tree because this raccoon had no tail. No tail. Just a stump.

And I thought I had problems. At least all my limbs are in tact.

S.

Fitness

I made a pact with myself that I would get more exercise and eat better. And so far, it has been going well. Seems that when I'm not tied to a desk job I take better care of myself.

Laura told me about a website - www.mapmyfitness.com - which tracks your workouts. Even has Google maps so you can see exactly how far you went. I've been using it and it is motivating.

Going back and forth from school and doing projects, I racked up 132 km in September. And that's only counting walks that take over 30 minutes. So I know I walked much more than that. I bet more on par with about 170 km. I also did 10 hours of dance classes.

On the eating front, I have barely eaten out all month. Most likely I just needed to get away from Stephen and his bad influence. Or that I just happen to be home around lunch time so I just make something.

I guess September is the month of new beginnings. Going back to school. Getting an exercise regime. Eating regime. Feeling much more motivated in general.

Yay.
S.