Learning Curve

It's been a month and a half of school. I knew I would be learning photography until it was coming out my ears. I just had no idea that I would be learning about myself as I went along.

I have a tendency to second guess myself. I have had it all my life. It is the reason I get lost so easily. I go the correct direction, stop, figure I'm wrong and head out in the wrong direction. After wandering, I usually figure out that I was correct in the first place.

And yes, I get lost everywhere. It's a curse.

So, I second guessed myself on a test. I knew the answer, thought about it, changed it and low and behold, when I got the test back the first thing I went with was the correct answer. Again, this happens a lot. That's me at school and I accept it.

But here is something new I learned about my second guessing...

We had an assignment in Composition and Design, to create a self portrait using colour to showcase ourselves. I decided on red because it is my favourite colour. Yes, I am that literal. I also choose it because in our culture it stands for competitiveness, strength and boldness. Some of these things I am, and some I wish to be. And as some say, fake it til you make it, right?

I did three different shoots. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. After a few "nice" pictures, I would get bored and experiment with expressions. I shot loads of stuff, most crap but a few pictures worked out.

I was immediately drawn to one picture. It is angry. Yet, it is also a bit intimate. It was a bit too close to me to show the world. But, I kept going back to it.

In the end I choose another picture to hand in. I went safe. I received my in class critique, learned a few things.

Then I went to the teacher for my one on one critique. She looked at the one I had handed in and then she looked at my images. And she went immediately to that angry image. We talked about it and I realized that that image is more "me" than the one I handed in. Inside I am angry. I'm angry about the world, and people's apathy. I'm usually angry with myself about something or other, although this is lessening with each year. The teacher wanted to know why I went with safe when I had taken an image that had the definite grab factor???

I swore when I went to Japan "safe Shari" would go into the closet as it were. It took almost the full time I was away to get closer to the person I wanted to be, but closer I did get. I got bolder. I put myself out there more. I grew.

So, it's hard to go into school and hear about how I am being too safe and should go with my gut on things. It feels a tad like I regressed. No more. I will not be safe. I will go for it. I will never second guess myself.

Onwards and upwards.


S.